Imposter
I have contemplated making a blog for a very long time. Constantly doubting my writing and therefore delaying working on it. I justify my procrastination under accusations that I am not different enough, that my writing can improve, and using the constant comparison of what I think I should be. But, this is one of those things I hope to learn in the process, so therefore by not working on it, I am staying stagnant.
I understand my lack of knowledge, I do. I understand that what I believe now is malleable and subject to change based on new experiences. I understand that I am always improving and that means I am never quite satisfied. But, I also understand that using others as a reference to my potential will always leave me disappointed. We all are formed based on our own experiences, and to try and be someone else, invalidates my own experience and my own potential.
The feeling of being inadequate and having self-doubt when considering goals and taking initiative on different matters is often called imposter syndrome. Imposter syndrome is basically our tendency to use limiting beliefs to stop us from pursuing what we actually want, for fear of being viewed as an imposter. Taking risks, for me personally, consists of questioning my readiness and abilities constantly. A mental checklist of; if I was, when I am, what I am not, or when I will be, has, again and again, halted me from taking initiative on my goals.
I don't think we are ever “ready”. There will always be more information to learn, perspectives that aren't obtainable, people you won't get the chance to meet, and unrealistic expectations of yourself that won't be met, so sometimes you just have to yank the damn bandage off. I am not writing from a doctoral, scientific, overly experienced perspective (obviously) and I am not claiming to. I am writing from what I know now, as a 20-year-old with everything ahead of me, and thus I validate my perspective now, for all that is it and for what is it not.
As I look back on my journal from when I was 12, do I question my absolute need to mention one direction on every page, yes, yes I do. But, I also have to validate that those 5 British men had a serious impact on my adolescent self and that I was writing from what I knew and found important then. So I am sure, if anyone actually sees this, they might have the same kind of cringy feeling I do when I read chapter 4 of "why I and harry styles are the most comparable", but I still don't invalidate my 12-year-old self's perspective, so you shouldn't either.
I will always have a desire to improve and expectations for myself that exceed what I am now, but in order to actually obtain my goals, I have to leave the comfortable "one-day" mindset and take some sort of action. So, I guess this is me taking action.
