Poem
“Just love yourself”, the world said. “but it's hard”, I said.
“Well, why is it hard?” the world said. “Because I remember”, I said.
I remember what it felt like when the stretch marks started to groove their way through my skin like rushing water in a deep canyon. I remember the commercials where you told me to get rid of them. Products, creams, and serums that promised to erase these flaws and therefore make me love myself. I didn’t even know that they were bad until you told me.
“I remember”, I said.
The first diet I ever started when I was 11. My mom gave me these pills that made my stomach turn and clumpy protein shakes that made it even worse. I remember my friends getting to eat their lunches as I stared down at the almonds I had packed the night before. I remember you, world, forcing tips of willpower and the constant reminder that “nothing tastes as good as skinny”, as I tried to ignore my stomach grumbles.
“I remember”, I said.
To have a body that was sexualized before I even knew what that was. To have grown ups telling me to cover up when I was wearing the same things as my friends. I remember being pulled out of class because my top was too low or my shorts were too tight. I remember the way my teacher glared at me as she said my name in disgust in front of the class. I remember learning right then, that my body was no longer mine.
“I remember”, I said.
How people treated me differently once I lost weight. I remember the compliments that poured in my empty vessel that you had drained. I remember how the compliments made it worth it to struggle to get out of bed everyday. And even though I was shivering in the dead of August and my hair was falling out in clumps, that finally the world thought I was pretty enough.
“I remember”, I said.
That you, world, didn’t love me unless I looked the part. You told me that I didn’t deserve to love myself unless I bought the right products, stayed on a strict diet, and I showed off just enough skin to be seen as more than prude, but not a slut. So, I said to the world, please don't make me feel bad for not loving myself. As I remember, you were the one that told me not to to begin with and that is hard to forget.
Reflection questions
- I was able to stick to my daily walks and yoga on a daily basis. But, I didn’t write every day as I had
planned to do. I will say, last week was an unexpected week with different things being thrown at me, but I definitely had the time to do it. Instead of the morning for journaling, I could do it right before bed, as I have less stress in the day to come and more time at night. Walking and yoga have been awesome additions to my day to day though and I feel a complete difference in my mood throughout the day.
- Last week I did have an experience at an intuition, where I embraced something I didn’t completely understand, but tried to articulate. An example of this right now is learning how to be creative. Starting from nothing feels scary, but I have made it a goal to create something every day, good or bad. Initially, it was hard for me to come up with ideas because I was scared that there was a good and a bad finished product. Now, I embrace the process of creating without worrying about the finished product and allow myself to learn from the process.
- I enjoyed writing the poem. Initially ideas kept coming to be so I wrote down the beginnings to see how I liked it. Each idea would run a little dry or didn’t express my point, so I would move on. I really like the poem I submitted, as it highlights our culture's new marketing tactic of self-love from companies that taught us to not love ourselves growing up. Having the repetitive phrase to work off definitely made it easy and made for a more powerful peace in my opinion.
