The Pit
I, at times, feel such an understanding of myself and my tendencies. I feel this connection to who I am and physically feel so satisfied. I love making connections with people and creating new experiences. I feel this overwhelming inclination to work on my passions and enjoy the present moment for what it is. It feels, to me, like the first time you feel the warm sun after months of darkness and cold.
And then there are other times when I lose that. I lose that understanding and acceptance of myself. I lose that overwhelming feeling of passion and motivation. I can no longer hear that voice of reason.
I sit in the mirror and I cry over the bulges in my stomach. I spend hours of my day scrolling on social media to try and drown out this noise. I feel exhausted after not getting out of bed all day. I feel as if I am just getting in everyone's way. I feel that I am an inconvenience and my family and my friends would rather I just stay in my bed.
I have this voice in my head and sometimes I have the reigns of that voice tightly in my handS. I can’t never control what it tells me, but I can control my reaction to it. I can take the negative input and talk myself through what is making me believe that.
But sometimes that reign slips from my grip. The voice comes back, stronger, and harder. It makes assumptions about how other people view me. It tells me everything that I am not and what I could have been. That I am the reason I feel this way. I start to believe that I only make mistakes and that idea paralyzes me. Decisions become intimidating because I don’t trust myself to make them anymore. I don’t want to put the effort into relationships because I believe I will always disappoint the other person in the end. I start to believe that isolating myself is just protecting others from this side of me I don’t like.
I sit here in what feels like this pit that is too deep to even realize that the sun is shining just above me. The climb out is daunting and my energy has been so consumed by just trying to fight this voice in my head. But as I watch the days pass I yearn over that control that I once had. I know I have the ability to leave the pit, it just feels so difficult to make that initial climb.
What gets me through the dark days spent in that pit is the understanding that one day, I will get to feel the sun again. That the darkness is temporary and the warmth and brightness of the sun are so sweet that it makes those dark days worth it.
I realize that positive quotes or words of affirmations from those you love, really don’t do shit when all you see in darkness. But, maybe you just need to know that you are not alone in this dark and lonely pit. And that your time here is temporary and somewhere above the sun is waiting for you.
Take your time, feel your emotions, but know that this is just a temporary positioning, and one day you feel alive again. I promise.
